So I think it makes sense that if someone wants to practice polygny that it should be in a country under a government which is supportive.

Even though yes, they are all related because the husband is married to two women so he’s the common link and the kids are like half-brothers and sisters, I think technically speaking, the husband is supporting two separate families. I mean its not one big household. I mean one of the things that comes up often w/ polygamy is that the husband has to be able to support TWO HOUSEHOLDS. So its sort of obvious that there are two families units here. Do you know what i mean?

Thank you so much for this post. I appreciate how even-handed it is, not saying only one way is the right way. As Jamila said, we are sorely in need of better social support services of any and all kinds within our communities and this is just one more area where we are not looking out for each other as we should be. The problem is not the polygyny itself, but its misuse, misapplication, and not being fully aware of the unique situations it presents (including, as already noted, living in a country where it is not going to be supported at all) so that those issues can be addressed honestly and openly as needed.

My view at the moment is that polygyny is hard to manage in a culture that is hostile to it (including and especially the Muslim community). On top of that, a lot of the time, it is converts who end up in such marriages. Some fitting the first category you describe and others like myself, who lose their head fall in love etc. How balanced are the decisions made? We have a responsibility as a community to ensure that their is proper counsel before marriage occurs. We are transplanting the rules regarding marriage onto an entirely different set of social circumstances. Yes, all that is required are the witnesses and a wali (not always) but they are supposed to be there to uphold the rights of the couple involved. It’s not just a signing of papers and be done with it.
Aaah the gossip! What would the community do without us? At least we give them something to talk about! It’s so damaging. No one wants it to work. I have to say that I’m not an advocate of polygyny in our communities. I think it is rare that a really good reason comes up for it, most of the time it causes masses of damage. I concede that it can have benefits but I also think it is extremely difficult to adjust to when you haven’t been socially conditioned to do so, and most of us, these days haven’t. And even at the time of the prophet pbuh, the women bickered and felt jealous.

But I’m not against it either (obviously!) and I certainly respect people who make it work.

When you do try and talk about it positively you get heaps of criticism. For myself, I tried to see the good aspects and focus on them as a way of willing myself to feel totally comfortable. Now I accept that some things I am not comfortable with and I don’t expect myself to have to be. I tolerate them simply because I’m in the situation. I am not a saint and neither is my husband. I express my discomfort and know that ultimately Allah understands what cause me pain. It’s part of my human-ness to feel and show it.

But we do need to get past all the hang ups and start dealing with it properly as a community. For those who really want and need it, we should offer support. And we need more social support services period.
sorry about long comment!

BTW, was that sort of what you had in mind when you were talking about “community responsibilities”?

Don’t sweat it, I understand.

Would you like for me to keep the link to your blog under my regular blogroll (not the polygny blogs)?

Sorry I didn’t mean to label you like that. I understand how you feel.

Salaam,
Juwayriah