Broaching the subject, part 2
Part 1 of this post was some words for brothers about broaching the subject of polygyny with their current wives. Part 2 is some words for sisters about their reaction to the subject.
(Photo from http://themuslimwoman.org ) Sisters, I advise you to think pragmatically about polygyny rather than emotionally. Keep it in the back of your mind as a different lifestyle, not as a monster lurking around the corner, threatening to strike you. Think of it like….moving to another country. You might not necessarily want to move to another country, but it would be something that would have perks and quirks of its own that you would get used to if, for some reason, you had to make such a move. Living somewhere else wouldn’t make you any less alive, and likewise a different style of marriage wouldn’t make you any less married. Once you think of polygyny as a different but normal form of marriage, it loses some its ability to devastate you.
If all parties involved enter polygyny with the intention to please Allah and with their hearts set on the hereafter – if the husband is sensitive and fair and the wives are kind to and about each other – polygyny can be far superior to monogamy. Especially for women whose husbands are high-maintenance or whose careers demand a lot of their time and attention. When your husband is not with you, you can both miss him and do whatever you like to do. When he is with you, you can truly enjoy his company and be more mentally/emotionally “present” – not just skimming along in life taking everything for granted.
If your husband brings up the subject of polygyny – hopefully as an abstract idea rather than in the form of a woman already chosen – consider it rather than throwing a wailing conniption. This will hopefully do three things: one, it will remove the “forbidden fruit” variable for your husband. It is human nature to long and be excited by that which is illicit or prohibited. Once polygyny becomes a legitimate choice that you are willing to support, he will be forced to move from fantasizing to actually considering. And considering means taking into consideration the heavy responsibilities, the financial burden, and the practicalities. That can render polygyny immediately less attractive, and he might decide against it after all (although I wouldn’t recommend this as a strategy to get him to give up the idea. Your acceptance of it has to be spiritually and emotionally genuine to do YOU any good, regardless of whether you wind up in polygyny or not).
The second possible result from your openness to the idea of polygyny is that it could very well endear you to your husband’s heart. This doesn’t mean that he will necessarily shuttle the polygyny idea, but it does mean that he might be more sensitive to your feelings. Paradoxically, the more impassioned and distraught we wives are about something, the more our husbands can be tempted to shut down emotionally toward us. So the more you object to polygyny the less likely your husband might be to consider your feelings. If you offer a measured response, your husband is more likely to consult you further. In fact, I know of several sisters who became actively involved in helping their husbands choose a second wife. Compatibility between co-wives is almost as important as compatibility between husband and wife in a polygynous situation. It can work with co-wives who don’t get along, but it is most often a miserable exercise for everyone concerned, and can have a negative impact on the family members’ iman, as well.
Most importantly, by being open to polygyny – truly open to enduring it or even supporting it, as an act of worship – you open yourself to blessings you could not imagine. Not because of polygyny in-and-of itself, but because any time we do anything for the sake of Allah, He sends us help from places we would never expect. He blesses us in ways we could never anticipate. All trials from Allah are blessings, in that Allah uses them to expiate sins or elevate our rank, if we are patient through them and call on Him.
At this point you might be ready to drop-kick me. You might be wondering what kind of insane maniac could expect a normal, healthy woman not to blow a gasket when anyone even mentions the subject of polygyny. I’m not suggesting you swallow your emotions and become an unhealthy jumble of suppressed anger and misery; if you don’t experience sadness and jealousy you wouldn’t be human. But I am saying that you don’t have to be ruled by those emotions. You don’t have to base your decisions or your behavior on those emotions. Be honest with your husband – tell him there are parts of polygyny that scare you, that you are worried about how difficult it will be and if it will change your relationship with him and that it means he will love you less, or whatever you are feeling. But try not to rule out polygyny because of those fears and difficulties. If we ran everything in our lives solely on our emotions and whether the experience was easy and suited our mood or not, we’d never have colonoscopies or do laundry or have children!! So be honest about your emotions but don’t become belligerent or run away or throw down ultimatums. Break out of your tunnel vision and see the potential advantages of polygyny, in the dunya and the akhira.