These days – especially in the West – we are encouraged to be ruled by our emotions and shehawaat (passions), and to trust them as the real guides in how we live our lives. We are literally bombarded with those kinds of messages every day. Popular culture insists that if you’re “in love” you should be able to do anything you want – from commit adultery to marry a person of your own gender (“If lovin’ you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right…”). Many psychologists even recommend that a person should divorce their spouse if they “fall in love with” another, because somehow it’s healthier for the children to have parents who follow their dreams than to have parents who willingly sacrifice for the good of the family and out of loyalty to their vows.
Even in the mundane departments of life we are constantly told to give in to our desires and worship our emotions. The makers of Sprite encourage us to “Obey our thirst”, and Newport cigarettes had a campaign that showed people engaging in fun activities and sported the tagline, “Alive with pleasure!” In this atmosphere it’s no wonder that some men think, “If I desire polygyny, I should naturally give in to that desire”, and on the other hand, some women think, “Polygyny will cause me sadness, pain and jealousy, therefore it is an unreasonable challenge and I should reject it out of hand.” We’ve been raised to believe that our emotions are the foremost concern in any given situation, and, like children concentrating more on the ball than the traffic, we often base our decisions on how we feel at any given time.
But just like the cigarettes, which will actually kill you instead of making you “Alive with Pleasure!”, appeasing your emotions in every situation is short-sighted, prevents growth, and can actually be detrimental to your iman. A man who indulges in polygyny because he is intrigued by it or has fallen for another woman, without praying istikhara, consulting his wife, and doing some serious soul-searching, risks not only the wrath of his first wife but also his own happiness and the future stability of his entire family. Likewise, a woman who cries divorce at the first thought of polygyny may be risking even more pain on the part of herself and her children, letting herself and her children in for a life marked by economic stress, and may also be depriving herself of some very great blessings.
It is much wiser and more Islamic to weigh things carefully, asking Allah to grant what is good for you in the dunya and the akhira. Asking Him to strengthen your iman and make easy for you the path that leads you closest to Him. In this way men can look at the entire situation before jumping into the nikah, and women can carefully consider whether polygyny is something their hearts can hold or something that necessitates escape.