Am I normal? (some common feelings of first wives)
(Disclaimer: I am speaking in this post primarily about women who entered polygyny knowingly.)
No matter what you feel as a co-wife at any given moment, almost everyone wonders, “Is this normal? Am I crazy to feel this way? Am I a bad Muslim if I feel this way?” Some people will make you feel as if weak iman is what causes various emotions. But be assured that emotions are just that – feelings – and no emotion can make you a bad Muslim. In fact, if we didn’t have those emotions, we’d already be perfect and not human, and there would be no point to this dunya! Also be assured that most co-wives’ emotions run the entire gammut at one time or another!
Most importantly, it is completely normal for your emotions to fluctuate and bounce all over the spectrum from one second to the next (this is true about second wives as well, of course. I’ll talk about second wives’ emotions in another post). The adjustment to being a co-wife is somewhat like loss, because you’re changing your previous identity and role. So you may feel horrified, grieved, betrayed, sad, excited, angry, hopeful, afraid, indignant, relieved, impatient, all in one day! Often your “state of acceptance” is very black and white: either your’re completely fine with it (one minute or one day), or you’re completely falling apart (the next minute or the next day!). Another pendulum swing is from wanting to rise to the occassion, greet your co-wife with graciousness and take polygyny head-on in a positive manner, to wanting to crawl into bed and cover your head, never greet your co-wife at all, and jump off a cliff rather than face life in polygyny.
Most first wives experience a lot of self doubt. “Why am I not enough for him?” A close relative of this emotion is its polar opposite, “What’s wrong with him that he can’t be satisied with one good woman??” Seek refuge with Allah from shaitan whenever you feel these emotions, because, while normal, if you dwell on it it can cause a lot of misery. Remember, “IF” is a door for shaitan.
The rockiest time as far as pure adjustment goes usually lasts about a month or so, and that is a healthy amount of time. One sister, Zainab, reported with a chuckle, “I cried for three weeks straight. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I did nothing but lay on the bed and cry. Then, after three weeks, my husband said, ‘OK, girl, that’s enough crying. Come on,’ and I stood up, dried my eyes, and didn’t return to that state. Things just seemed manageable.”
Incidentally, these emotions are normal even for women who were completely OK with the polygyny concept, and who may have even encouraged their husbands to marry another wife. When the reality comes closer, fear and doubt sometimes set in, and the emotions do tend to runneth over! But this is most usually a temporary state. After the knot is tied, the drama is past, and things have a chance to settle down into a routine, the adjustment is easier. One sister said, “All kinds of people told me I was crazy and that after the deed was done I’d regret it. They said, ‘Thinking about polygyny is one thing – the reality is another completley.'” I kept saying, “If they would just hurry up and get married, I’ll be fine. And once they did, I was.” So don’t let other people make you doubt yourself by pushing their own emotions onto you.
As time goes on, the adjustment to polygyny progresses and your issues and emotions change. You may have issues with friends who either stubbornly invite one wife and not the other to parties, or who treat you as connected at the hip, always assuming that one wife will tell the other about the party and that they’ll both feel equally invited that way, which is not the case. You’ll turn your attention to dealing with your families’ reactions to your polygynous marriage, and the affect their reactions have on the respective marriages. There will always be challenges, but many sisters report that they are worth it. Sister Zainab now says, “Polygyny is difficult, but I like the independence it has given me now. If something happened and I had to go back to monogamy, I wouldn’t want to.”