Big Faith

The show is called Big Love but polygyny really takes Big Faith

Returning the favor

CW has her nursing boards coming up, so we took the kids out for pizza on Friday and I kept her kids overnight so she could study.  I am so proud of her, masha’Allah.  It’s been a tough road but she’s almost finished!

May 3, 2007 Posted by | blessings, Coping with polygyny, Islam, marriage, Muslim women, polygamy, polygyny | 5 Comments

Broaching the subject, part 2

Part 1 of this post was some words for brothers about broaching the subject of polygyny with their current wives. Part 2 is some words for sisters about their reaction to the subject.

think-about-it.jpgthink-about-it.jpg (Photo from http://themuslimwoman.org ) Sisters, I advise you to think pragmatically about polygyny rather than emotionally. Keep it in the back of your mind as a different lifestyle, not as a monster lurking around the corner, threatening to strike you. Think of it like….moving to another country. You might not necessarily want to move to another country, but it would be something that would have perks and quirks of its own that you would get used to if, for some reason, you had to make such a move. Living somewhere else wouldn’t make you any less alive, and likewise a different style of marriage wouldn’t make you any less married. Once you think of polygyny as a different but normal form of marriage, it loses some its ability to devastate you.

If all parties involved enter polygyny with the intention to please Allah and with their hearts set on the hereafter – if the husband is sensitive and fair and the wives are kind to and about each other – polygyny can be far superior to monogamy. Especially for women whose husbands are high-maintenance or whose careers demand a lot of their time and attention. When your husband is not with you, you can both miss him and do whatever you like to do. When he is with you, you can truly enjoy his company and be more mentally/emotionally “present” – not just skimming along in life taking everything for granted.

If your husband brings up the subject of polygyny – hopefully as an abstract idea rather than in the form of a woman already chosen – consider it rather than throwing a wailing conniption. This will hopefully do three things: one, it will remove the “forbidden fruit” variable for your husband. It is human nature to long and be excited by that which is illicit or prohibited. Once polygyny becomes a legitimate choice that you are willing to support, he will be forced to move from fantasizing to actually considering. And considering means taking into consideration the heavy responsibilities, the financial burden, and the practicalities. That can render polygyny immediately less attractive, and he might decide against it after all (although I wouldn’t recommend this as a strategy to get him to give up the idea. Your acceptance of it has to be spiritually and emotionally genuine to do YOU any good, regardless of whether you wind up in polygyny or not).

The second possible result from your openness to the idea of polygyny is that it could very well endear you to your husband’s heart. This doesn’t mean that he will necessarily shuttle the polygyny idea, but it does mean that he might be more sensitive to your feelings. Paradoxically, the more impassioned and distraught we wives are about something, the more our husbands can be tempted to shut down emotionally toward us. So the more you object to polygyny the less likely your husband might be to consider your feelings. If you offer a measured response, your husband is more likely to consult you further. In fact, I know of several sisters who became actively involved in helping their husbands choose a second wife. Compatibility between co-wives is almost as important as compatibility between husband and wife in a polygynous situation. It can work with co-wives who don’t get along, but it is most often a miserable exercise for everyone concerned, and can have a negative impact on the family members’ iman, as well.

Most importantly, by being open to polygyny – truly open to enduring it or even supporting it, as an act of worship – you open yourself to blessings you could not imagine. Not because of polygyny in-and-of itself, but because any time we do anything for the sake of Allah, He sends us help from places we would never expect. He blesses us in ways we could never anticipate. All trials from Allah are blessings, in that Allah uses them to expiate sins or elevate our rank, if we are patient through them and call on Him.

At this point you might be ready to drop-kick me. You might be wondering what kind of insane maniac could expect a normal, healthy woman not to blow a gasket when anyone even mentions the subject of polygyny. I’m not suggesting you swallow your emotions and become an unhealthy jumble of suppressed anger and misery; if you don’t experience sadness and jealousy you wouldn’t be human. But I am saying that you don’t have to be ruled by those emotions. You don’t have to base your decisions or your behavior on those emotions. Be honest with your husband – tell him there are parts of polygyny that scare you, that you are worried about how difficult it will be and if it will change your relationship with him and that it means he will love you less, or whatever you are feeling. But try not to rule out polygyny because of those fears and difficulties. If we ran everything in our lives solely on our emotions and whether the experience was easy and suited our mood or not, we’d never have colonoscopies or do laundry or have children!! So be honest about your emotions but don’t become belligerent or run away or throw down ultimatums. Break out of your tunnel vision and see the potential advantages of polygyny, in the dunya and the akhira.

 

March 27, 2007 Posted by | blessings, considering polygyny, faith, Islam, marriage, Muslim women, polygamy, polygyny, religion | 2 Comments

Reasons: Good and Bad

soap-box.jpgThere are many reasons a person or a couple might consider polygyny. Some of them make sense, some of them are laudable, some of them are just fodder for fantasies and some of them are pathetic.

Some men consider polygyny because they may have moved to another country and gotten married there, but their their families ‘back home ‘ have a girl they want him to marry. Perhaps she’s the one he was promised to when he was young, perhaps it would make a good family alliance, perhaps one of his cousins graduated with great grades and the family thinks she deserves an opportunity at a Western education. Whatever the reason, some families do push a second wife on their ex-patriot sons. This can make things somewhat easier for the first wife to take – at least her husband didn’t go gallivanting around and fall for some other woman. But much then depends on the personalities of everyone involved and how well they mesh once they are all together. Sometimes this sets up a real “superiority complex” on the part of the first wife. “I’m the one he chose, you’re just the one who was forced on him.” Conversely, it can also make things more difficult for the first wife, because the second wife will probably be younger, she knows his culture, his language, how to cook the food of his homeland, etc. So the stage is set immediately for jealousy to fly both ways. If the first wife doesn’t speak his language and the second wife doesn’t speak his adopted language, things can be even tougher, because not only will communication be difficult between the wives, but there is nothing more apt to arouse the monster of suspicion like not being able to understand what your husband might be saying to your other wife. It is a truly complex situation. A husband in this case needs to be adept at making both is wives feel special and valued for their differences and not give any impression of valuing what one has to offer over the other. In a situation like this, more than some other situations, the man has a big role to play in helping his wives hit it off and in keeping things on an even keel by helping each one present her most humble and spiritual side to the other.

Usually, though, polygyny is not thrust upon people by others. Men sometimes contemplate polygyny because they fantasize about more sex, sex with a different partner, or even the status polygyny might grant them among their friends and acquaintances. You gotta know that when one man marries a second wife it’s like fathering quintuplets or something: some of his friends will slap him on the back with the ol’ wink, others will stand in chin-gaping awe of him, still others will regard him as a good businessman, because if he can manage all that family drama, he can manage anything. These are among the reasons that make polygyny a great fantasy, but if any man actually takes the step of marrying a second wife for any of these reasons, he should be summarily shot. Both because he is selfish and because he is obviously too stupid to be allowed to procreate any more than he already might have. Not only are all those reasons very dunya-oriented and shallow, they are also short-lived – each and every one of them. The winks die away after about a week, the sex becomes routine with wife #2, just as it did with wife #1 (if you can’t keep sex lively and fun and intimate with one person, chances are you’re not gonna improve that with more sex!), and other men’s awe of you will turn to acidic gossip the first time your family runs into trouble. So if you’re thinking of marrying a second wife for the extra fun you can have, go take a cold shower.

On the other hand, there are some situations where woman’s sexual appetite is virtually nonexistent for one reason or another, and her husband’s is “very healthy”. In a case like this, after careful consideration and mutual consent, polygyny might provide an answer. It might even increase the intimacy between the first couple because there is less pressure on the relationship revolving around sex. In fact, if you’re a woman whose husband has a more voracious appetite than you do, you might want to suggest polygyny to him.

A good reason to think about entering polygyny is if there is a sister in your community who is truly in need of a husband. These kinds of situations are not as rare as you’d think, because as cliche as it sounds, a good Muslim man is sometimes hard to find. The pool is contaminated with lots of racists (or “ethnists”), who only want to marry within their own ethnicity and who think that converts aren’t “really” Muslims; slackers, who only pray at Friday Jumuah; fanatics, who think Islam grows on beards, Saudi scholars or whoever looks the most conservative is always right, and exhaling is bida’; snobs, who write matrimonial ads that read, “seeking slender, light-skinned, PhD virgin who knows how to make chutney and can do the splits”; and rovers, who suffer from temporary religious amnesia and go around dating non-Muslim girls. With the pool this crowded with undesirables, a guy who has already proven himself as a good husband can become the most attractive fish in the pond. A couple might look at it this way: if a sister marries into their already stable Muslim family, they could actually be saving her from a terrible experience with some schmuck. This is especially true of young mothers who have already been divorced. A young Muslimah who has been through something like that can still be a lovely, kind, spiritual, fun person, but having been divorced and already blessed with a child or children she faces an even steeper cliff than a first-time wife when it comes to finding a suitable husband. This is not how it should be, but in many places it is indeed the reality. So an established couple might contemplate polygyny if another sister is having a hard time finding a husband.

One of the worst reasons, by far, to entertain the idea of polygyny, is if you are a man who has let his spiritual guard down and begun thinking with the wrong head. By this I mean a guy who finds himself attracted to a woman at work or school or the DMV, and instead of lowering his gaze he feasts it upon her and then follows his shehawaat (passions) into a relationship with her. Then he rationalizes to himself, “Well, I’m allowed to marry more than one, so it’s not haram. I’ll just ask her to marry me and all will be well with the universe!” Not cool.

First of all, no amount of rationalization will erase the fact that he has already committed haram. He has flirted, giggled, talked and wooed his way into an emotional affair, and besides those things being haram in and of themselves, he has betrayed his wife. He has allowed his desire for dunya to outrank his duty to his Lord and his wife. By this very act he has proven that he probably does not have the spiritual fortitude to be the head of a polygynous household. That takes patience, wisdom, self discipline, self sacrifice, and compassion. To fall for someone else outside of marriage means that a person is lacking in all those qualities. So if you’re thinking that inviting that cute co-worker to lunch is not haram because you might ask her to marry you, you need to find another job. And prepare to find yourself divorced sometime as well, because if you’re always this cavalier about your wife’s feelings, you deserve to be dumped.

There’s one really big, bad reason that some men “marry on” their wives, but it’s so obnoxious it deserves its own separate post, so I’ll save it for next time. But remember: polygyny can be a blessing and a trial. Which side of those scales tips the other has a lot to do with the reasons a family entered it in the first place, so if you’re thinking about it, make sure you examine your niyat and your reasons really carefully. Be honest (brothers) and be open (sisters). More later on that subject as well…..

March 8, 2007 Posted by | blessings, faith, Islam, marriage, muslim men, Muslim women, polygamy, polygyny, religion | 2 Comments

What a blessing

I had an emergency this past week and CW took my kids to the park so they could get out of the house and I could have some down-time, masha’Allah. God bless her! Don’t ever say there aren’t upsides to polygyny.  What a blessing to be able to count on your CW like that, and to be able to provide similar support to her!

American women suffer from post-partum depression more frequently than their sisters in other parts of the world.  The reasons are complex, of course, but one is that we’ve lost the built-in support system that was extended family.  Most young mothers are isolated to one degree or another, and don’t have access to female relatives or the women’s wisdom and caring that they could provide for one another.  Polygyny is one way to construct an extended family whose members can care for each other and extend that vital support – both in times of need and just on a regular, day-to-day basis.

February 28, 2007 Posted by | blessings, faith, Islam, marriage, Muslim women, polygamy, polygyny, religion | Leave a comment